I did an experiment on loneliness on myself today. Tonight was Chinese New Years eve, it’s a night where people meet up with their families and have dinner together, it’s almost like Christmas and Thanksgivings in the western society. So as a Chinese, I’m supposed to spend this night with my families, if not, at least with my friends.
I didn’t, and instead, I wandered around the streets of Pasadena, Alhambra, and San Gabriel. I intentionally turned down all the invitations I had, and I intentionally made myself went into the state of solitary. I wandered around the streets. I observed couples holding hands to give each other warmth, I observed families sitting inside restaurants eating dinner. Tonight, I’m all by myself, I wondered what my families and my friends were doing, did they had a wonderful dinner? did they hugged each other with joy?.
I was afraid to go home, because I was afraid that my landlord(which was my gf’s relative) would find out I was alone. I refused to go restaurants, because it’s always embarrassed to eat alone, especially in this kind of occasion. And slowly I became one of those people who hated weekends, holidays, and understood why some people never got excited for Christmas. I felt alone. I felt the blank existed deep inside my heart.
And strangely, I felt alive.